How to Tell My Infertile Friend I Am Pregnant?
Question by Kristin R: How to tell my infertile friend I am pregnant?
One of my best friends has been ‘trying’ to conceive with her husband for about 3 years now. Through extensive testing they have found out nothing to be wrong with her and he has a very low sperm count. IVF is their only option at this point, but they haven’t started that. From the beginning I have been super supportive, and one of her only friends who knows what is going on. Listening to her disappointment month after month. I really feel for her. She has learned of several friends & family members pregnancies in the 3 years of trying and each announcement is met with more sadness than the last. It is to the point now that when the last announcement came (her sister in law) my friend was bitter, stopped communicating with that side of the family for a period of time and had crying break downs daily for the first 5 months of her sister in laws pregnancy. My friend ended up being involved in the baby shower (out of pressure from her mother in law) and it was extremely difficult for her. When the baby was born she visited the hospital and has only seen the baby one time since. She just says it is too hard.
I know other friends of ours who have gotten pregnant have hesitated and been nervous to tell her. She usually says she is happy for them but then there isn’t much talking about the baby before or after the birth. So the situation becomes strained. I know it is difficult for her to handle being around pregnant women or new families.
To add more disappointment and hurt to her life, with in the past 6 months my friend confided in me that her husband had a drug addiction. She was planning to divorce him but has stayed and tried to help him over come this. Their relationship is very strained, their finances are not in the shape they once were and he hasn’t fully been on board at times to get help. I am the only friend she has told about this.
Recently we were out to dinner with another friend of ours who was pregnant and so of course the topic of babies came up. My friend then says how her and her husband are thinking of doing IVF in October/November. I was shocked at this since they have so much going on with his drug addiction problems right now and I was under the impression finances are strained. I had just assumed that them trying for a baby was on hold until they would get him under control. I haven’t heard anything about the IVF since the comment was made at dinner in July. So I am not sure if she just said that for the benefit of our pregnant friend or if it is going to happen. I usually do not ask her infertility questions, I just sit back and if she tells me things I listen.
My husband and I learned in September we are pregnant with our first child after nearly a year of trying. My friend knew we were trying and it wasn’t happening quickly due to some problems on my end.
I am torn if I should tell her now or wait until the end of November when I tell the rest of my friends. I want to be sensitive since she has a very difficult situation on her hands in her personal life.
Part of me feels she will want to know right away and have more time to process and part of me is so nervous to tell her apart from the rest of the group of friends and single her out. I fear she will shut me out for months like she has others in the past. But I would understand if it was just too painful for her to deal with. I have been there myself. I just want to get it over with. We now live in different states and I do not have any plans to see her before the holidays so keeping it hidden isn’t difficult if I start showing.
Should I tell her now or wait until after the first trimester when I tell the rest of my friends? What would be the best method to tell her? I have thought about an email because then she wouldn’t feel pressure to react right away.
Best answer:
Answer by Mr. Miyagi
Had a weird situation like yours a loooong time ago. Aunt and uncle married, but the uncle was “in-the-closet” gay. The aunt *really* wanted kids, but back then you didn’t just let everyone know you were “gay”. So it was the family secret — she claimed she was infertile, and they remained happily married until death.
The weird result of all this was, because she couldn’t have her own kids, the aunt became the guardian angel of any child in the neighborhood. Everyone knew her, and everyone respected her.
So… moral of the story: even a bad situation can turn out right in the long run.
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